Stop Running! Okay, I know that’s controversial to write this and pitch it to a runner’s magazine but hear me out. I was an avid runner, and I will be again soon enough, but I went through a season that it was not right for my body and I needed a severe rebalancing internally. My running sabbatical came abruptly and harshly because I didn’t heed the earlier warning signs; I was disconnected from my body and was running for all the wrong reasons. I learned the hard way to lead the way for others; don’t do what I did to myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved everything about running. But I’d also run when I wasn’t feeling it, when I felt like I ate too much and needed to punish myself, when I wanted to look even better for an upcoming date, when I wanted to stay busy to escape my thoughts, when I wanted to beat someone on Strava, when I wanted to be sure to keep up the image and persona that I was a runner. It was coming from ego, body dysmorphia, limiting beliefs, disconnection, perfectionism, escapism, keeping past trauma buried, and placing my value purely on my body and athleticism. I’d run when I was utterly exhausted and needed rest, I’d shave off time from sleep to get that run in, get after it if I had a spare ten minutes and often causing friends to wait for me as I’d inevitably be late from that run. I’d run if I were stressed, panicked, had anxiety, or was running on only cortisol and adrenaline. I ran until I had nothing left in the tank, until I couldn’t run any longer.
I ran and did a double workout the day my knee became swollen three times the size of a normal knee, and inflammation reared its head within my body. First in my knee, then to my ankle, my eye, my fingers, and my elbow. I’d jokingly refer to myself as the tin man when various body parts became stuck in place. Looking back, it would have been preventable if I had seen what I was doing to myself. You see, all the inflammation was on one side of my body, the right. The right side in body charts represents the masculine side, or the doing, forcing, going, rushing, pushing, giving side. I had only been living in this forcing and going, rather than resting, allowing, receiving. The balance of the masculine and feminine balance was completely off, and I didn’t even know how to allow in the feminine.
Had I been connected to my body, I would have known better to rest or bring in calming practices when I felt like my nervous system was overtaxed or my heart was already beating out of my chest. I would have taken the loud headphones I was using to get myself up those hills out of my ears and truly witnessed the beautiful nature all around me. I would’ve slowed down to allow for walking, peace, and connection into my practice too. I would have lived better in balance to ensure I could also get the runs in that I absolutely loved. I would have headed all the earlier warning signs that I ignored.
I’ve since healed my body from the inflammation by taking the time to rest, to be in nature, to add in calming practices, to wake up happy, know my worth, see myself connected to my mind, body, and spirit, love myself, remove the perfectionism and begin to love all parts of me, even the imperfect ones. My self-love is now oozing from me, and I’m unrecognizable from my disconnected, fearful, exhausted past self. I now listen to and honor my body, whether it wants to run or rest, and appreciate every part of the runs now and all the reasons that I love it. It’s no longer a punishment, but rather, a love letter to myself and my growth.