All my life I have been taught to play as small as I could. I was the child that was told to speak only when spoken to, to be hyper aware of others to avoid rage or wrath, to be rewarded for being thin and have looks of disgust or receive negative comments when I wasn’t such as coming home from college. I was a child accessory, made to appear as if everything was fine while in public, but at home was a far different story. I wasn’t seen or heard as a unique individual; I was a child with heightened sensitivities and in desperate need of love but instead punished when speaking up. By first grade I was so fearful that I couldn’t even raise my hand to ask to use the restroom. I had been programmed since I was born to be small and quiet.
By the time I became an adult I was trying to remain as small as I could to not take up much space. I was apologetic to such an extent that I’d apologize on behalf of others. Even my gait took the least amount of space, and it would take years to unlearn how to not have parts of my body in a clenched position. I didn’t think my opinion mattered enough to even speak up in groups, and the most comfortable position for my neck was with my head down. My childhood through early adult years were spent being blamed and scapegoated by the family; being told there was something wrong with me, when in fact there wasn’t. But that didn’t stop me from believing them until quite recently.
It wasn’t until I went through my healing journey that I realized all the ways I was taught to play small and take up as little space as possible. Like having to tiptoe around my parents, I was now tiptoeing around the world. My daily life was about not disrupting others; I thought of myself as a burden to the world. I didn’t have any big dreams as I couldn’t even play in the imagination; I spent a lifetime living in my head only knowing survival, so dreaming, imagining, creating, trusting or being in my heart wasn’t even remotely in the picture. I thought that people with boundaries, self-respect and self-love were selfish; I didn’t even have the self-worth to see that having those traits was normal and healthy. I had lived the first half of my life thinking that mine wasn’t particularly important.
My healing journey highlighted the ways in which I was taught to play small, to slowly unravel and unlearn the earlier programming. I’m learning self-love, connection with my body, self-respect, self-worth, not worrying about what others may be thinking, and trying to be in my heart more, the hardest of them all. I’m trying to walk with my head held high, to be more concerned about how I feel about myself rather than others, to believe that what I have to say is valuable, to know that what I’m doing is okay, and to learn how to build boundaries and having the self-respect to know when to speak up if someone isn’t treating me well. It’s about sharing articles like this, being vulnerable and in my heart, adding value to the world, and knowing that I’m an important part of it. It’s about rebuilding me to be the great person she was always meant to be.
For anyone else going through anything remotely similar, I absolutely commend you. What an incredible journey this is, but getting to the other side and rebuilding yourself to be the best version of you will be well worth it. While I continue on this path I will remind myself and others to hold our heads high, go for our dreams, pursue the healing journey, forgive yourself for what you did to get by, take up space, speak your mind, raise your hand, practice returning to your heart, become the best and highest version of yourselves, and know that we are all important in this world. Permission to stop playing small is now granted.