I quit! I quit! I quit! I quit playing small. I am making that decision today and shouting it from the rooftops, or at least my home. As many of you know, I have been on a ten plus year healing journey. Do I think I am special from it? No, not necessarily. I have learned that almost everyone has something they are working on, some health issue they are learning about or trying to overcome, a past trauma that resurfaces in triggers, something they may be afraid of or ashamed of, needing to slow down or understand their fear or anxiety, or trying to reconnect with and or love themselves. We are all going through it. I am not special for my path, but I am special, and so are you.
The reason I speak about my healing journey is because I never gave up and I was able to unravel the pieces and layers and witness my body healing. I am special for many reasons but one of which is that I want to share everything I learned on my healing journey to help others connect the dots. I do not want anyone to go through what I did confused, alone, scared, and not knowing where to turn. I want to talk about the very doable ways that others can help unravel, witness and work on the layers, and find the breadcrumbs on their own journey. By facing our past, slowing down to be present, and connecting with ourselves deeply enough we can start to understand what our bodies really need. I believe healing is possible, but I also believe it takes reviewing your environment and making some courageous changes on a path to healing.
What I learned in my healing journey was limitless. I learned to accept that my past led to my illness, or imbalance as I prefer to call it. I learned that my unhealed trauma was still manifesting in my body. I learned that it all starts with the energetics. I learned that toxicity could come in many forms and the body can only manage so much. I learned that you need to heal your gut and your brain, how the body is interconnected and the need for a holistic approach. I learned that some people like me are sensitive not just to the emotions and the energy they pick up, but to how much their body can withstand unhealthy elements. I learned that you need to feel safe, relax the nervous system, and get out of fight or flight to heal. I learned that too much masculine pushing, forcing, doing, and achieving can lead to an imbalanced state. I learned that sleep, rest, nature, the elements will all help in your healing and rebalancing. I learned that courageous steps were rewarded with additional healing. I learned that conquering fears helps you heal. I learned that working on mindset shifts, being in nature, and calming your nervous system helps you heal.
But it does not do me or anyone else any good to witness my healing and not sharing what I have learned. But I have had invisible walls placed around me, reinforced since childhood, based on limiting beliefs that had been instilled upon me. My own limitations that have been stopping me from sharing my lessons and I am the only person in my own way. My healing journey got me very far, but I find myself at another crossroads needing to take another courageous step to continue on my journey. I am at a choice point to either take the leap into a life of confidence and being public or remain small with my talents hidden out of self-protection, limiting beliefs, and remaining in my comfort zone. I know that once I take this next step into the unknown I cannot return to the old way, but it is the step I must take to reclaim my shine and power.
Therein lies a key limiting belief for me to conquer as part of my healing, or rather, my growth journey. I cannot play small any longer! If I play small then I cannot share what I have learned or help others on similar paths. Playing small will hold me back from pursuing my life dreams, my goals, my growth, my passion, and I am choosing to not playing small any longer. For so long I have been in the role of lifting up others from the sidelines to help them pursue their dreams, but this time it is about my dreams, my passion, and what I know I’m supposed to be doing.
Throughout my entire life it was reinforced upon me to play small. As a child I was taught to speak when spoken to, to look nice but stay quiet; I was an accessory to the adults meant to help them look good to outsiders. Inside the home was rage, physical and emotional abuse, militant rules and more. The only way to get through that time and what was rewarded was to be quiet and play small. Speaking up was met with punishment, harsh words, and piercing looks of utter disgust. I remember having to suck on chips because the cracking sound would send a parent into a rage. I played so small that I was too afraid to raise my hand in the classroom to use the restroom. I grew up thinking that if I spoke up it may change someone else’s path, and that my opinion did not matter. I was very disconnected from myself to numb the pain and was lacking any self-love or worth. I learned to even be as physically small as possible, from making my body as small as possible, to my posture and gait as small as possible; I did not feel worthy to even take up space.
Not only was I taught to play small, but it was reinforced that I was never good enough; I was the black sheep, family scapegoat, the oldest, always being blamed and punished. As a highly sensitive person (“HSP”) it was especially difficult to handle this treatment, and that only made it worse; they didn’t know how to handle my sensitivities and assumed I was just emotional. The truth was that I was taking in and holding long-term trauma from childhood. My sensitivities only shined a light on the mistreatment as a mirror that they did not want to witness. My shine was diminished; I could only fall in line or facing the backlash, with no one bothering to see the beautiful, sensitive child deep inside. She could only find refuge, peace, and healing outside and in nature.
It makes sense that my playing small, with limiting beliefs, and low self-worth, lacking unconditional love, as the accessory to others, continued to play out in my adult and work life. When you learn to only live in survival and with limiting beliefs, you have no room for creativity, dreaming big, or setting large goals. Playing small means you are just trying to get by and do not think that you are worthy of being a creator, making changes, being a thought leader, or impacting others lives. Afterall, if you cannot even get the love or approval from your parents and are lacking your own self-love and value, how would you think you would receive it from others?
But that all changed once I dove into my growth path. The inflammation I had in my body became my life tipping point; I decided to make every single change imaginable, from selling my home, moving states, facing the trauma, and working with so many wonderful specialists and alternative treatments, to get unstuck in my life and in my body, with my body leading the way. Not only was I finally taking some courageous steps, but I was also learning to reconnect with my own body and to love myself again. In turn, this newfound self-love, self-worth, trust, and feeling safer in my body allowed me to bring in creativity, imagination, and to start to dream bigger. And it was those changes that got me to where I am today, ready to shout it from a mountain top to help anyone that ever felt even one ounce of what I felt.
So what has been holding me back from being more vocal and open about my journey? Those remaining limiting beliefs of not being good enough, not being worthy enough, not being perfect enough, and the need to remain small and safe. I continued to delay thinking through all the possible scenarios of not being accepted, seen, heard, or valued. Thinking that it was not the perfect time, I did not look perfect, my social media is not perfected, my hair, my message, my services etc., etc. But it will never be the perfect time, and being perfectly imperfect and completely sensitive is me. And my message is about me, my story, my healing, my overcoming these limiting beliefs, and how it can apply to and help others. I have been a vulnerable and sensitive person my entire life, so why can’t I share this in my work? If I cry while making a video or writing a blog it not only shows that I am passionate about this topic, but that I’m on the right path. I care about other people and their well-being, and I am fine with letting it show. This is not about making money; this is about helping someone else that may be on a similar or relatable path and applying everything I have learned and seen first-hand to help them.
So who is with me? Who can I help? Who is on team growth? Team lets improve ourselves? Team let us unravel the pieces and start to heal parts of ourselves? Team lets learn to connect with and love ourselves? Team we have been through some trauma or have some fears, and we are ready to face it? Team sensitive or black sheep? Team done playing small and ready to take up more space? Team ready to take back our shine and go after our dreams? Team finding and pursuing our passion? Team perfectly imperfect? Team believing in ourselves and knowing we are worthy and important? Who is ready for some growth, self-love, resetting our nervous system, slowing down, changing patterns, being courageous, healing and shining? You are all officially on the team.
I know that playing small was a core limiting belief of mine that I am ready to let go of. I will no longer play the best supporting actor role; I am ready for main character energy. The only way to start is to jump in and take a leap. And it was these leaps into the unknown that lit up my healing path. So here is me, leaping, in all my perfectly imperfectness and sensitivities, jumping into playing big. I now have love on my side, and this girl is reclaiming her shine and stepping into her power. My past is what led me here and ultimately created this strength, and I am here to be of service to others on their growth paths. The team roster is open, and we are on a huge growth trajectory. We are ready to make the decision to face the limiting beliefs head on, take some courageous steps, play big, and reclaim our shine.
Who is in?